Coffee Break
Customer Joke Competition
To break away from the norm of product pushing emails from distributors like us, we introduced a customer joke
competition last year.
Each month in our e-news we publish 1 or 2 of the best jokes and send a fun reward to the sender.
We also collate the best of the rest and publish them here for your enjoyment. Thanks to all the joke senders and 'have fun' to all joke readers.
Check each month to see the new ones and add them to your repertoire!
March Jokes | April Jokes | May Jokes | June Jokes
July/Aug Jokes | September Jokes
October Jokes | December Jokes
Mark Macauley
The man behind the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93.
The undertakers had a difficult time getting him in the coffin. As soon as they put his left leg in the trouble started.
Ivan Hilditch
A man went to the zoo. The only animal on show was a dog. It was a Shiatsu.
What's E.T. short for? Because he hasn't got any legs!
Julie Smith
Q: Why are pirates called pirates? A: Cos they just Aaarr-rr!!!
John Shambrook (Ipswich Supporter?)
Bird flu hits
Denny Williams
What did the dizzy blonde say when her friend blew in her ear? 'Thanks for the refill'.
Dennis Maynard
007's Gadgets: James Bond takes a seat at a casino table next to a very attractive woman. After a glance, he casually looks at watch. The woman asks, 'Your date running late?' 'No,' he replies. It was just testing this watch Q has given me.' Intrigued she says, 'What's so special about it?' Bond explains, 'It talks to me telepathically'. The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'It says you're not wearing any knickers' She giggles and replies. 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!' Bond smirks, raises an eyebrow, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing musht be an hour fasht.'
Tight Skirt A beautiful young woman, wearing a tight skirt, waits to get on, at a busy bus stop. When It was her turn, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to reach up to the first step of the bus.
With an embarrassed smile to the bus driver, she reached behind with both hands to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She discovered that she still couldn't lift her leg high enough. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind to further undo her zip. For a second time, she failed in her attempt at the step. A large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the bus. She went ballistic and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Normally Ma'am I would agree with you, but after you twice unzipped my flies, I kinda figured we were friends!'
Mark Macauley
Three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Wild West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
We don't know how CHRIS HARE was able to view this on a wall in a ladies room but we wont hold it against him!
"My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it ... " I do not"
Count Dracula headed home after a night spent drinking Bloody Marys. Wandering along a dark alley, he was suddenly hit on the back of the head. He looked round and saw nothing except for a small sausage roll on the floor. A few yards further and he was smacked on the back of his head again! Looking down the alley once more he saw nothing, but this time a small triangular sandwich lay on the ground. A few more steps and another smack on his head. Angrily he whirled round but all he saw was a cocktail sausage lying by his feet. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turned as fast as he could. He felt a sharp pain in his heart and fell to the ground clutching his chest, which was punctured by a small cocktail stick, laden with cheese and a chunk of pineapple.
On the ground dying, he looked up and saw a young attractive female. With his dying breath the Prince of darkness gasped, "Who Are You?
She replied, "I am Buffet .... The Vampire Slayer."
JANINE RATCLIFFE "her favourite cleanest joke!"
A family of balloons, daddy balloon, mummy balloon and little boy balloon lived in a tiny house. They were so poor they only had one bed, which they all shared. One night little boy balloon stayed up to watch TV while his mum and dad went to bed. Later he went to join them but found that they were taking up too much room, so he let a little bit of air out of his dad. He still couldn't get in, so he let a bit of air out of his mum. There still wasn't quite enough room so he let a bit of air out of himself, finally managing to squeeze into the bed. Next morning at breakfast daddy balloon frowned at his son as he began to tell him off, " I need a word with you master balloon, last night ... you let me down, you let your mother down, but most important of all you let yourself down!
To join the fun, simply send your favourite funny to jokes@directa.co.uk
